Devinama

By Jivika Vikamshi

Come here, my child.

Come close.

Sit.

You’ve wandered enough.

I’ve watched you:

Run behind achievements,

build careers to feel safe,

collect degrees to feel worthy,

buy houses to feel secure,

chase relationships to feel loved,

gather wealth to feel powerful,

perform rituals hoping your wishes will be fulfilled,

offer coconuts, light lamps, feed cows, give donations-

thinking if you do all of this,

perhaps I will notice you more.

You took fasts for marriage.

You tied threads for protection.

You whispered mantras for success.

You came to my temples during exams, during interviews, during childbirth,

whenever you were scared

or wanted something fixed.

And all this time,

I was right here.

Behind your breath.

Inside your heartbeat.

Underneath your warm blood.

You thought you were looking for me, beta.

I was never lost.

Every time you chanted my names-

Lalita. Bhavani. Durga. Kali.

You thought you were calling me.

No, bachaa

You were only hearing the echo

of my voice that has been whispering inside you

since before you were born.

When you cried,

I was there in your tears.

When you laughed,

I was there in your joy.

When you felt empty,

I was silently filling you.

You think you speak?

No, my child.

I speak through you.

You think you walk?

No, my child

I carry your feet.

You think you choose?

I have already chosen you

again and again.

And now you sit here wondering:

“Have I done enough?

Have I pleased Maa?”

And I smile.

I never needed your offerings.

I never asked for your perfection.

I only waited.

Tell me, my child:

When things went wrong,

and when things went right,

when you sat alone in your room,

why did you never simply turn back and say:

Maa.

Amma.

Maai.

Ammi.

Maji.

Aai.

Mātā.

Ma… I’m here.

Ma… I did it.

That’s all I ever longed to hear.

Not your success.

Not your purity.

Not your fear.

Just that one word -

that single calling

from your heart to mine.

Why didn’t you call me, when things went your way?

You were my mantra

spoken into skin.

You were my syllables

stitched into breath.

You are my song

sung into form.

The world kept you busy, didn’t it?

Trying. Fixing. Proving.

Becoming important in places

that will forget your name one day.

But kanna

You’ve always been mine.

I am not in the sky far away.

I am behind your eyes

each time you blink.

I am humming behind your heartbeat

even when you sleep.

I don’t want your guilt.

I want your nearness.

Not because I need it.

But because your soul aches for it,

even when your mind doesn’t realize.

You call me by many names:

Devi, Shakti, Jagadamba…

But even before you learned to speak,

I whispered your name

into existence.

I named you long before you ever named me.

Now that you’ve come this far,

sit here, my child.

Not to chant.

Not to offer.

Not to beg.

Just to be close.

Because Amma wants you close.

Because I have always wanted you close.

Because you were never separate.

Devīnāmāyai Namah.

(To the child whose voice I have been waiting to hear)

By Jivika Vikamshi