Coy and Winona

By Lelaina MacDonald

February 14th, 2024

10:04pm

Dear Diary,

      Hey, it’s Winona. I know it’s been a minute. Hopefully you remember me. I had such high hopes for today. I was expecting roses and candy and kisses. But all I got was…nothing. Well, nothing from my boyfriend, anyways. Coy got me a teddy bear holding a heart that reads, “Best Friends Forever” and he wrote me the most beautiful card he somehow attached buttons to. We spent the morning together at the cafe down the street. I should’ve only been with Coy for a chunk of today, but he just dropped me off. 

My boyfriend never responded to my messages. He wasn’t home at all today. He told me earlier this week that we were going to go on a picnic and then see a movie for this special day. I did end up doing those activities today, but with Coy, not my boyfriend. When I told Mom she got all excited because she thought Coy and I were finally together. But I don’t like him like that. He doesn’t like me like that. I told Mom that my boyfriend canceled on me and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Maybe I should just sleep.

Nope, I actually don't want to sleep. Why won’t he answer my messages? Why won’t he pick up my calls? Why is he never home? The only time he is home is when he needs help with schoolwork. And by help, I mean he scratches my back and plays with my hair while I write essays for him. He always says that he could never write essays and that he doesn’t understand anything we are learning in school. I always tell him to talk with his teachers about that, and he always says he can just talk to me and everything will be fine. But I’m tired. On one hand, I want to help. But on the other hand, it’s exhausting doing two people’s schoolwork on the regular.

He is never around when I need him but I’m always there for him. Coy and I are always at each other’s sides. Coy answers the second I message him. He sends me letters constantly. He drives me to school and takes me out for coffee. Whenever I’m sad he comes over. I always answer the second Coy texts me. I make paintings for him every month. I let him spend the night when his parents are fighting. Whenever he’s down I draw hearts and stars on his back.

Is having a best friend and having a boyfriend two different scenarios? I thought both people are supposed to give and take in each. Coy and I share everything. But my boyfriend and I…is he even my boyfriend?

2/14/24

Around 10:30 at night

Hey journal,

       It’s Coy again! How have you been since this morning, journal? Personally, I’m worried about Winona. Today is supposed to be the day of love, right? Well, of course, as Winona’s best friend in the whole entire universe, I gave her all the love in my heart! As for her boyfriend…bro didn’t even try. 

She told me that the two of them had plans for the day. But bro wasn’t answering her messages, wasn’t picking up her calls, and when I drove Winona to his house, no one was there. Why does he ALWAYS do this? EVERY TIME he makes plans with my girl, he tears her apart. He either never shows up, he doesn’t answer her, or he claims he has something more important to do last minute. What could possibly be more important than spending time with my Winona?! 

However, EVERY TIME he asks her to come over or to help him with his homework, Winona drops everything to do so. Now, journal, does that sound fair to you? NO!! When you are in a relationship, ANY RELATIONSHIP, it’s supposed to be equal on both sides. Winona and I have that, but she doesn’t have that with her OTHER man. Like, who even is this guy?!

EVERY TIME I have picked up Winona recently, she hasn’t been on the porch with a book in one hand and a coffee in the other. You remember she used to ALWAYS do that, right? Lately I’ve had to go into her house, into her room, and pull her out of her tissue mountain. She has had the same pile of books on her nightstand for months. And whenever I swoop by the kitchen, the coffee machine looks lonely. EVERY TIME I have tried to get her to come out of her tissue mountain, she whines and complains and throws a fit. Once she is in my car, though, with one of my hands on the steering wheel and the other in hers, she smiles.

Winona deserves so much better than that fool, journal. I don’t understand how she is still even with someone she never sees and is never there for her?! Oh, sorry, she does see him, but only when he makes her do his homework. AND WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! I can’t believe she does that. I have ALWAYS thought of her as the kindest person in the entire universe, but that’s a little much, don’t you think? Hello?!

I don’t know what to do. Journal, can you help me? I don’t think Winona should be with this guy anymore. She deserves someone who is ALWAYS there for her. Someone like me. But not me. It can’t be me. Right?

February 16th, 2024

5:32am

Dear Diary,

      Hey, it’s Winona again. I haven’t heard from him since before Valentine’s Day at this point. I haven’t seen him in that same amount of time either. He hasn’t been in school or in town since then. Hold on, I need to throw up. I keep doing that. I don’t know why.

I haven’t slept in a couple days. That’s why I am up right now. I wish I wasn’t. Part of why I can’t sleep is because of my…boyfriend? I wish I would stop calling him that. I am so unsure on whether or not he even is my boyfriend anymore. He won’t answer my messages, he won’t pick up my calls, he’s never at his house when I pass by. Aren’t boyfriends and girlfriends supposed to communicate on a regular basis? Coy and I do, but not my boyfriend and I…

Speaking of Coy, the other reason I haven’t been able to sleep is because of him. He came over last night and never left. Mom doesn’t want me to be alone right now, not after all I told her yesterday. Today? No, yesterday. When Coy showed up last night with several bags in his hands, Mom wouldn’t say no. He’s been next to me all night, waking up every now and then, making sure I have my pillows and blankets exactly where I like them.

I wish Coy would leave. But I also don’t want him to ever leave. I am SO confused. Coy is my best friend, I should want him more than anything or anyone right now, right? But what about…No, stop it, Winona. God, why can’t I stop thinking about the guy who is supposed to be my guy? Right now I have a guy sleeping by my side, a guy who isn’t even my guy and yet…I feel something I’ve never felt before.

Coy is here for me no matter what. I always feel safe when I have him by my side. It doesn't matter if I am having a breakdown or if his parents are fighting or if the weather is ugly or he has a play rehearsal—he is always here. I don’t think I do a good enough job doing the same for him. I want to spend all my time with Coy but I feel like I need to spend all my time with my boyfriend. 

Mom always thought that Coy and I would end up together, so by the time I started dating she was shocked that it wasn’t Coy. I never understood why she always tells me Coy is meant for me. However, in times like these, she may be right afterall. But if that is true, does Coy feel the same way? Does my boyfriend feel the same way? Do either of them even want me in their lives?

2/16/24

Almost 1:15 in the afternoon

Hey journal,

                    It’s your boy again! I hope you’ve been well the past 24 hours or so, journal. You know, you can write in here too whenever you’d like! My safe space is your safe space!

Winona fell asleep about 20 minutes ago. She didn’t sleep at all last night, or the night before. She has had these watery eyes for days and every time I woke up last night her tissue mountain was even higher. Oh yeah, I came over to her house last night because I didn’t want her to be alone. I didn’t want her to be tucked away in this depression by herself for any longer. I know she has her mom, but according to Winona’s mom and myself, Winona is more receptive to me. Personally, I don’t understand how that could be since I make no sense half the time.

I brought Winona ALL of her FAVORITE THINGS last night: a cold brew butter pecan coffee, a stuffed animal owl, one of my shirts, blueberry muffins (homemade by yours truly), and applesauce. She took one sip of the coffee then threw up for an hour. She put the stuffed animal owl on her bed but fell asleep on the floor. She put on the shirt of mine I gave her and hasn’t taken it off since (high five for me!). The blueberry muffins and applesauce are still sitting on her desk, waiting to be consumed. 

I just can’t stand her man who LITERALLY IS NOT EVEN HER MAN. I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I don’t know a whole lot about the subject. However, I feel like Winona is holding onto this guy a little too hard and a little too much. He was honestly a chill guy when this whole thing started a couple months ago. But lately, he has NOT been a chill guy. He’s never around for Winona even though she is ALWAYS around for him. Now journal, again, this is just from an outsider’s perspective, but I don’t think that is okay. 

I wish they would just break up. I know Winona doesn’t have the heart to do it, but it seems like her guy doesn’t even care to even ACKNOWLEDGE that that needs to happen. But someone has to do something; I can’t stand her being in this condition anymore. 

Seeing her in my shirt…I don’t know. I didn’t think she would wear it. I thought she would just use it like a stress ball or a fidget, you know? But…I don’t know, it does something to me that I know it shouldn’t…

Coy, stop it. This. Is. Not. Happening. 

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 20th, 2024

11:23pm and 11:59pm

Dear Diary,

      I finally ate something today without throwing up. Coy made me homemade double chocolate chip cookies—my favorite type of cookie. I was scared to put them in my mouth, but I did it anyway. My mouth insisted. They were perfect; I expect nothing less from Coy’s cooking. It truly amazes me that he has barely left my house since Valentine’s Day. I kept trying to tell him that I was fine and he should go back home, but he didn’t listen. Mom keeps saying it’s so sweet that he is here, and it is. But…I don’t know.

I’ve been wondering if his parents have been fighting more lately and that maybe that is part of the reason he has stayed here for so long. They haven’t had a blow out in a couple weeks, but maybe they had one recently I don’t know about. I wouldn’t be surprised. His mom was gone for a few days doing God knows what. She is the dictionary definition of insane, I swear. His dad is an absolute sweetheart. He has never done anything wrong in his whole life, just like Coy.

Every time his parents explode at each other Coy comes over here and spends the night. I wipe his tears away while softly singing to him. I make us coffee in the middle of the night just for “shits and giggles,” as Coy would say. We play board games and watch Impractical Jokers once he calms down and can control his breathing again. I feel like what I do isn’t enough, but for whatever reason, it works every single time. His dimples come back and he doesn’t stop smiling by the time we finally go to bed. And by “go to bed” of course I mean we perform a shadow puppet show until we fall asleep.

I just can’t believe he has been here for this long. Maybe I should have been there for longer periods of time with him during his dark times. Is he also having a dark time right now? Is he only staying here because of me or because of his parents or both? I mean, he hasn’t mentioned anything about his parents in days, which is unlike him. Could that mean something? Hold on, I’m gonna wake him up and ask him.

Oh. My. God. Not only did he say he is staying here because he needs to make sure I am stable, but also because I was right. His parents had one of the biggest fights Coy had ever seen. This whole time he hasn’t said a word. All he has been doing is helping me. I think…No, I can’t. Can I? Is this really happening?

Coy is the best person to ever exist.

2/21/24

A little after midnight

Hey journal,

       Sooooo…Rememeber before all this stuff with Winona went down and my parents had been quiet for a while? Or did I not write about that? I thought I did. Whatever, what is important right now is that my parents are MORE NOT okay than I ever thought. I finally told Winona, even though I DID NOT want to. Not with everything she’s had going on with that freak. Speaking of which, bro still hasn’t said a WORD to my girl. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

I swear I am going to find this guy and he is going to regret every single thing he has ever done in his entire life. At least Winona started eating again, I was getting really concerned about that. When I brought her eating situation up to her mom she insisted that I was the only one who could get her to eat. Speaking of which, Winona just went downstairs to make us hot chocolates, so I only have a little bit to ramble write.

I can’t believe she knew I had something going on. She’s good. A little TOO good, if you ask me, and you did ask, right? I didn’t want to bring it up because of what she is dealing with. But she told me that just because she has a major thing going on doesn’t mean that I can’t talk about any major things I have going on. God, she is truly Wonder Woman. Winona Woman? Wonder Winona? We’ll work on the name later.

She hasn’t mentioned the idiot’s name in the past 24 hours. I am not sure if that is good or bad but I can’t get it out of my head that there is something horribly wrong with that guy. Where has he been? Why hasn’t he been contacting Winona? Who does he think he is messing around with the most incredible human being in this world? I hope I never have to see him again, and if I do, I hope Winona isn’t there to witness what I am going to do to him.

Also…I think…I think my love for Winona is developing into more than just platonic…

I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!

I CAN’T DO THIS TO HER RIGHT NOW!!!!!

STOP RAMBLING COY!!!!!

I’m sorry, journal. This was an all over the place entry. I should rip this page out, shouldn’t I? I don’t want to remember this. I have to stop feeling. Can I stop feeling?

STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU!!!!!

WINONA NEEDS YOU!!!!!

February 22nd, 2024

3:23am

Dear Diary,

      “If you’re reading this, it means I’m gone. Outta here. Dropped out of school. Left town. Out with my homies. Sorry I didn’t say bye or whatever. I guess you weren’t important enough to me. See you never, loser!!” 

I just received this message from an unknown number. But I know exactly who it is from. Coy is sleeping peacefully in one of my old t-shirts that doesn’t fit me anymore. He kind of stole it from my closet a few hours ago, but I don't mind. As long as he is smiling. Should I wake him? Should I show him the message?

I’m hyperventilating right now. How could he do this? How dare he not think I’m “important enough” to say goodbye to?! Why did he just send this to me when it has been several days since I last saw him or even heard from him?! Why is this not his actual phone number? I just…

I’m not going to be able to do this. How am I supposed to go on? If I’m not important to my own…I guess, “used to be boyfriend,” then am I really important to anyone at all? 

Coy.

I’m important to Coy.

Right?

He’s beyond important to me and I can’t imagine my life without him. I need Coy to stay here forever or else I am going to fall apart and the world will no longer see me. Coy no longer looks the same than he did before. He didn’t change a thing but apparently my eyes did. He’s…gorgeous. No…Stop it. This isn’t a friends to lovers novel. I can’t go from a nightmare to a gorgeous nightmare.

But after everything that’s happened…My own boyfriend leaving me behind, come to find he literally left me behind, Coy’s parents practically kicking him out of the house because of the yelling and the drama—He has been with me through everything. Not even just the past week, but my entire life. When Dad died, when I got my several mental and physical diagnosis, when I broke my leg after I tried skateboarding—Coy was always there. Coy has always been around when no one else was. Even though I have Mom, it’s not the same. 

2/29/24

Exactly 4:59 in the morning

Hey journal,

       It’s officially my birthday! It only happens every four years…Ha, ha! Get it? Because it’s the 29th of February and for some reason the calendars are so silly and only remember to include this day every four years?! The world is just SO funny! Don’t you think?

I might be going bonker bananas, but I think Winona is okay. She showed me this HORRENDOUS message she received from HIM just last night even though she got it a few days ago. When I asked her why she didn’t show it to me right away, she told me it didn’t matter. But I was confused. What did she mean? Don’t worry, I’m not just asking YOU that, journal. I asked her that, too. She told me that she had to take a few days to do some major thinking. We all know what that means…

Winona with her pro and con lists, a calculator, and a dictionary.

I still don’t quite understand how all of those things help her make decisions, but she tells me not to question it. So I try not to. After doing all of her calculating and writing and sobbing, she told me she finally was able to understand why she suddenly felt okay.

“I never truly needed him. I felt like I did, but I realize now how crazy that was. I’ve always needed you, Coy. I don’t need anyone else. No one cares about me like you do. No one else gives me a chance like you do. No one else drops their entire day just to make me smile. I always figured that all that was going on because you’re my best friend. But no…I think it’s more than that. I don’t know what to call it but—”

That’s when I took her hand in mine. 

“Coy, you don’t have to,” she said.

“What do you mean, girlie? I’ve been thinking the exact same thing,” I told her.

She smiled. Like, actually smiled. I haven’t seen her smile in AGES.

“Really? You mean it? Are you being honest? Like, actually? Are you being serious? 100%? Are you for real?” Of course, Winona’s famous list of questions.

“Yes, really. I do mean it. I’m being honest. Yes, actually. I am being serious. 100%, yes. I’m being for real.” I pretty much have this memorized by now. 

“So, what now?” she squeezed my hand.

“Now we know your mom was right all along.” I laughed and she rolled her eyes.

By Lelaina MacDonald