Comfort In My Illness

By P.R Rakshana Sree

In the middle of the night, I cry so hard, yes I cried I tried to stop, yes I tried but I couldn’t

I laid down on my bed and created a scenery in my mind

I transported to a place, a paradise

I was living my life at night in a place I know I’ll never find

I wish you could know how it feels to be me I could never talk to people, not normally Always make my feelings so concrete Though I want to let them out slowly

Lie, lie I am living in this lie

Living a picture in my head, it hurts to know why

I don’t know who he is, nor does he, but I

Know we’ll get along from the look in his eyes

I talk with him; yes I talk all the time

The only person who listens to me even at night When I am lost in the dark, he’ll be my guide My light with a spark, I cannot define

My best friend he’ll always be Open my eyes when I can’t see

We’ll together unravel the truth about the world And what it seems, living a lie but we call it a dream

We created these scenes

He’s the Jock and I am the Queen Hearts racing faster than McQueen

Happier than we’ve ever been

I dance alone but it’s always with him Hands held tight we’re dancing in our skins This is heaven, whereas living for me is a sin Yes, I am happier than I’ve ever been

At school, I’ll be sitting in the corner of my classroom

Wondering if I’d be happier if I left too soon

Because people in class never talk to me like I’m of no use

So I try to approach first but later I abuse

Myself because I don’t want my introverted mind to be introduced to “extroverted” way of living

Because calling myself an introvert is my excuse

To zone out of this world without accessible adduce

When I zone out, he’s everywhere Our souls collide, our youths we share

He’s pure imagination, a part of me is aware

But he erased it out of my mind, now I really don’t care

If living in fantasy means living in peace Yes I’ll do it with all the ease

He’s the Rex and I am the matriarch

We’re the rulers of this universe of unadulterated waving dark

It’s time that we conquer the planet

End the lives of people who caused my heart to damage

The whole world under our control A place where they can’t so “no”

I imagine myself to be the world’s top brass

I’ll keep the world alive like moisture on grass My fame and power, they can’t surpass

If they try to contradict me, they will end up in morass

It’s sad that I can’t be the ruler of the world like I want to be

But he makes me feel like I’m the head of the fantasy

With him, the happiest person I’ll always be We’ll fly together like two birds set free

The society yells at me and tells me that he’s not real

But this is my only way to heal

Sometimes, people assume he’s a real person I’m trying to conceal

But it’s nothing like that; I don’t have a secret to reveal

When reality hits, I know that I am sick

Living in a world and with a person who doesn’t exist

It’s sad to know that I created memories with my own brain

He’s always there, everywhere and doesn’t come and go like a toy train

My mental illness feels so comfortable

If this is the cost of peace, for me, it’s affordable

When I admire and talk with him, people call me a mental

I love my imagination more than myself, so ironical

I feel happier than I’ve ever been with people who actually exist

They have been hurting my feelings as if it’s part of their routine

I write all their names in my own death list But all I can do is breathe and daydream

Looks like I’ve found my soul mate in my own space I am falling in love, it’s just another phase

In my life, I don’t have to go around compete and race

Over someone to be with, here, I created his face

I spend every second with him

Happy ever after, dancing in the dark with my own “sickness” in the chillness

Again, I know that he’s a cause and imagination but he feels like heaven

After all, I found comfort in my own illness

By P.R Rakshana Sree