City Miles (Clean)

By Arif Anees

The first time that I realised I've got some city miles

Was when I looked into the mirror and saw older eyes

That looked less like 22 and more like 55

But I'm hungry, I'm starving maybe that's why

So it's not the grief that's making me age

I think it's just the rage

I feel at the empty page

When I sit down to write

And the end of my long days

After I've sold my pen to some shampoo brand

And my soul is running dry like a calligraphy pen being used to take notes

It would help if they were green but the money only goes to the top of the machine

While the inverse is correct

The little bit that trickles down,

Only covers rent and cigarettes

I can't eat exposure, let alone smoke it

What else is there to say but fuck it.

Without any distraction

And an occupational subtraction

I sit down to jot when the ADHD starts banging before it knocks

Like the untamed six year old I used to be

Who processed the world in reality and not lyrically

I've been switching from phone to laptop searching for a beginning

But it's just - not - happening.

And I recede into my brain

The centre of the pain

An echo chamber of the honking and an orgy of the people

To which my senses are subjected

The place from where all my words are rejected.

-

I was gone for four years and I saw the city change

With every flight I took, the past was further out of range

And now they want to change its name

There's green and orange games in this psychiatric zoo

But I want to stay out of jail so I won't talk about you-know-who.

-

Don't get me wrong these city miles aren't fast

They're mostly from waiting

To un-know the fact that love doesn't last.

But that's okay

People change

And with every trip I took, she was further out of range.

And that's a lot of damage for someone who learning the town

Who hasn't seen the carnage, who's still wearing his crown

And I hold it tight as I'm running on the wheel

Chasing after gold with pockets full of steel

I get more cardio than I think

And that's probably at the heart

Of why I can't sleep a wink.

Sometimes we'll be blessed with a moment of respite

When the night is possessed and the stars are aligned

So that we sleep

So that we dream of big cars and shadows on the walls

And we measure our success in bedrooms, kitchens and halls

-

I'm the youngest of the three,

Born free as could be

Released into the wild without my city miles

And it only took a while before I picked up the habits

Found a new hat and I pulled out some rabbits

Followed one and went down the deepest of holes

I saw shapes shifting, I saw colours sing

That was just me day tripping

Let me sober up and say that again

Yeah I'm on the wheel

But so was my father

He didn't groan like me, he was a quiet provider

I'll stand under his shadow until I can shine brighter

Born under the sun I'm still child of the fire,

Let me never forget and jump into the collider

Of dreams and ambition, of eloquent ammunition

And forget my city miles I have centuries to while,

Amidst bookshelves in some corner of the world

To be picked up by a reader or to burn to the ground

Even then my ashes will mingle with the wind

To be breathed in by the form of life that passes by

And forget my crow's feet. They look great when I smile.

I'm sorry I don't see the real faces anymore

I can only hope that death comes after not before

I've written all I have to write, took out every single bite

From the muses in the streets,

Met a great friend and we went to love's rave

Took our last pills and we jumped into a grave

Such is our fight against the forces of today

But words will keep me real and the blood of my blood will always keep me brave.

By Arif Anees