Capricious

By Ojashwani Shekhawat Chauhan

“Describe yourself.” was the question,

She smiled, as she wrote,” I am an eighteen year old applicant from India, the country with countless traditions. Every culture here has a specialty, and uniqueness of its own. I consider myself lucky enough to be a part of such a diverse nation and have one of these uniquely talented souls. I believe that humans have the ability to rise above any situation. As for me, I am blessed with a perfect family, surrounded with their love and support. I have a sibling whom I love very much. He was my first friend and for a long time my only friend. I have worked day in and day out to achieve my best grades in every subjects. Studying and working hard is my passion, it makes me feel good and confident about myself. All my hard work has brought me results. I have always been the apple of my teacher’s eye and every parent's golden child; a prodigy, a paragon for students. Except that, I am a false advertisement, like one of those high-cost products that you were eagerly waiting for, but once it is delivered you really don’t know what to do with it. I am Archisha Singh and as my name, suggests I am like the sun’s rays. When rising, I am at my highest and when setting, at my lowest. Not like usual people, I am a little different, just a little. I have this small baggage that I have to carry everywhere. I mean it might’ve crushed some beautiful relations, but once you get to know me, the raw me, everything becomes fine. So here, get a glimpse of my life. Where should I begin from, let’s start from the very beginning.

I was 10 when I had my very first Euphorian high hell. That day I felt like I was God. I was dancing around wrapped in my mother's saree holding a chamcha (ladle) up high like a Trishul feeling and knowing what Maa Kali would’ve felt at that moment. If my brother would’ve tried to hold me down that moment, I am sure that I would have trampled onto him with my bare feet. But lucky for him he called my parents to help. As my mother saw me on the point of killing her favorite child, she smacked me across the face. As I was a God and not in my right mind, I glared at her with angry eyes. That night I slept in my bathroom tub. As I grew, my weird brain chemistry grew with me, and especially my tantrums. Now

my parents started to notice it too, not what was happening to me but how physically impossible it was for them to handle me.

By the time I was 13, I started to have a lot of crucial mood swings. One point I was flying high touching the sky not caring or knowing anything and the next, crying in my bath tub ALONE. The word ALONE itself sounds melancholic so I got myself an obsessive crush like the others my age. I went all bonkers, posters, official-merch, and everything else you can think of. My parents understood my obsession, maybe because my mood swings were old as time in our house. My brain started to cross a limit, once when it asked my will power to go back to bed instead of working. They had an antagonistic duel but my will lost. So, I went to bed and came out after a week. This happened during the summer holidays. Thankfully I wasn’t at my nani’s or dadi’s (maternal or paternal grandmother’s residence) or I would have gone to some tantrik (exorcist) to take the ghost out of me. These bed cuddles had become a frequent part of my routine. My mood swings were like a zombie out of a bad game and the only escape was my bed. I stayed there for weeks. but I was great with my studies maybe even a prodigy academically. So, I was covered, but that nerdiness and absence from school never earned me a golden friendship. I hardly had friends and the ones I did make, I eventually scared them off. I was bullied by my once so-called friends; they called me a vampire as I was hardly at school and still managed to study, grumpy cat, a red bull, forest gump, cheap cheat, et cetera et cetera. My parents just told me to man up and not let these things bother me. If I cried too much in front of them their best advice would be ‘to laugh with them or to get laughed at’. I wanted to be in the ‘to laugh with’ group rather than the ‘laughed at’ group.

The ill-fated me never got in that group, and there is so much a thirteen-year-old could handle alone. When I was fifteen, I had my very first school trip. My parents thought it would be a good idea to let me go and make at least some friends. Believe me when I say, it was the wreck of the century. For the first day, I had locked myself inside the room crying. My roommate didn’t care at all as she slept with her friends. My teacher she was too carefree to ever care about it. The next day was a up high; it was pure mania. That day I was feeling good, normal not very nervous just good. I was always an introvert so I never actually talked much, just what was required. We were all camping in the woods and as I was going

towards my classmates, I saw two super popular kids. Rachel the rich spoiled brat and Abhishek the jock of the school. Rachel was kissing him on the cheek. We lived in a small town. Rumors spread easily, so I said nothing and moved on. They noticed me and discussed something and after a few moments Rachel came up to me saying “Hey I don’t think you will tell anyone, so me and Abhishek want to discuss something with can you. Can please come with me?”. I followed her and saw Abhishek standing. Then as I was about to say something. Abhishek pushed me into the nearby stream. In that moment I didn’t know what to do. I screamed as the water was pulling me inside. I was kicking hard to survive. It was moment of pure darkness, I was going down my instincts to not breathe, under water was so strong that it came over the agony of running out of air. I used my last breath to shout for help rather than using it to try to float. In that moment, my whole life flashed before me, for a split second I was rather peaceful. Then I liberated myself and took a breath in. I felt the water rushing inside my windpipes and into my lungs.

The next thing I remembered was seeing my teacher’s face. I felt baptized as I choked out the last bit of water accumulated in my lung. I looked around with my puffed eyes, she asked me to thank Rachel for saving my life. I was astounded and shaken up to my soul. I thanked her, and my teacher took me to my room. I asked her what had happened. She said, “Rachel saw you drowning and called me for help”. I wasn’t in my right mind and nodded. We went back to my town. My teacher told my parents their side of the story, and of course, without asking me what had happened everybody believed it. By the next day Rachel was the star kid of the town, she came and whispered in my ear. To quote: “I can do a lot worse, if you open your mouth”. Dear Board members that’s how a bully is made. I didn’t go to school for two full weeks. All I did was cry and cry, there was no stopping me. Next when I woke up from my bed I studied and studied for two straight years. By the time I was in eleventh there was a new girl in class. She became my best friend. She was much cooler than me but, we used to have a lot of fun together, but my zombie baggage couldn’t stand all this happiness so, it came running to ruin my life. On the day of her birthday, we had a fight. In the evening it was her birthday party when I unhinged again. I ruined her cake, burned myself, gave a bad speech until my parents came to pick me up. The next day I didn’t remembered anything. Not even the consequences of what I did. I

had a total black out from that evening. I went to school sat next to her totally unvaried, until a paper came flying towards me that said ‘traitor’. I came back from school and asked my brother about what had happened he told me everything. I cried I screamed and told him how I didn’t remember a thing and how I had pulled myself together every day and nothing ever worked. I was lonely again and I started to eat in my school bathroom again.

Next month my Bua (father's sister) was coming from America, after studying psychology from Yale University. I loved talking to her. At first, I wasn’t very open to her but as I got know her, everything became clear. Then I told her about my condition and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a chronic and complex mental health disorder that causes major mood swings including periods of extreme lows and highs. Well apparently, my brain either produces large amounts of oxytocin (responsible for happiness) or large amount of cortisol (Stress hormone). which causes my moods to change extremely frequently. My parents had hard time understanding but ultimately, they came around. I called all my colleagues, relatives, my best friend and explained them all about my condition. They were so loving and understanding. It felt as if one of the feet of the elephant was taken off of me. Now, I have a new best friend called lithium or more famously called the wonder Drug.

So, this is who I am, me at my fullest, I am Archisha. Will you accept me, the full raw me as who I am?” Archisha typed the last words clicked the sent button without thinking twice.

After a month Archisha received an acceptance letter from Princeton. She smiled thinking, ‘A person can overcome anything and everything when the time is right.’

By Ojashwani Shekhawat Chauhan