Battle of Camel and The Man Who Slept Through It

By Nasiruddin Hamid

(Based on the Battle of the Camel, 656 CE, Basra — fought in one day, with nearly 10,000 men killed)

In the early days after the death of the Prophet, people started fighting over who should lead the Muslims. Some supported Ali, the cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet. Others followed Aisha, the Prophet’s widow, who believed justice had to be done for the murder of the previous Caliph, Uthman. Enemies of Islam took advantage of this moment, so they planted the ideas of separation and revolt among them.

Slowly, arguments turned into speeches. Speeches turned into anger. Anger turned into swords and swords become bloodthirsty beasts.

People chose sides. Some joined Ali’s army. Others joined Aisha’s. Brothers stood against brothers. Friends stood against friends. Towns filled with whispers of war. Basra, once full of traders and prayers, filled with soldiers and camels.

And in the middle of all this… there was a man, a man, half-naked, sleeping carelessly in his bed. His name was Amr. He had a big belly because he ate with both hands and drank wine without stopping.

Amr drank wine last night. It was forbidden since the beginning of Islam, but he didn't care. He had a couple of wives, but he enjoyed many more concubines—women not given to him as bounty, but women he encroached by bribing members of authority.

Most of the high-rank men drank wine and engaged in fornication. While drinking wine was forbidden and done in secrecy, fornication was allowed and considered act of humanity under veil of the pretense of supporting a lonely woman. So Amr was no exception. Since the beginning, many religious people have shown a greater interest in women and wine than in prayers and other religious duties. The indulgence in worldly pleasures often overshadowed their spiritual obligations, and they took advantage of God's scriptures, using them to serve their own interests by molding the teachings to fit their desires.

Unfortunately, the tensions were high between the forces of Ali and Aisha. People were divided into two sides. One side was for Ali, and the other was for Aisha. Amr had neither side. He just wanted to have wine, food, and beautiful women.

He had been enjoying his life till the battle began. He was living under the regime of Ali, so he was selected to fight for him. He had no idea why they were fighting, but they dragged him to the battlefield.

The night before the war, he drank so much that he forgot his Encampment. Wandering aimlessly, he ended up in Aisha's army. He slept there, unnoticed.

In the morning, soldiers tied their armour and got ready to join the battle. Amr couldn't open his eyes from the effect of heavy drinking. They somehow woke him up and prepared him.

In the battlefield, he got his senses back. He saw horses, camels, elephants, and swords and spears. Notwithstanding, he lost his senses, urinated in his pants, and passed out from fear.

When he woke up, the first day's battle was almost over. He was hidden under the bodies of dead soldiers. There were bodies and people hither and thither, running, screaming. He crawled through body after body and somehow managed to escape the battlefield. He climbed onto a rock and hid himself. He kept hiding till the war was over.

Thousands of people died, but he remained unharmed — the only thing he had to sacrifice was his pants, which he had urinated in.

From the rock, he couldn't decide who had won. So he went to the nearest encampment and joined them without being noticed by anybody. Thousands of soldiers were dead, but those who were wounded but alive were quarrelling over their bounties. So Amr sneaked into the line and somehow managed to take a beautiful woman and other gems as his bounties and he went home with them.

People asked him about the battlefield scenes, but he was not sure who he had fought for and who he had fought against. Still, he managed to boast about his fight. Amr was proudly telling everyone about his great fighting skills. He said he had killed countless enemies with his sword. He described how he jumped, ran, and fought like a lion. Everyone listened to him with wide eyes. But whenever someone asked him, “Who did you kill?” or “Where were you fighting?”, he would just say, “There were too many to count.” The truth was, Amr had been sleeping the whole time during the battle — but of course, he didn’t mention that. then went home, drank wine, and enjoyed his new londi.

By Nasiruddin Hamid