Me

By Meera

I walked inside my University, to the help desk fast and agitated and felt anxious to approach, but the lady called out to me to come forward, I felt nervous.

'Hello Mam!!!'.

'Hello good day, young lady!. How can I help you??'.

'Mam, my results show, that I flunked a paper, but it can't be, I did well!'.

'Hmm... Let me have a look at it... Can I have your ID, please?'.

'Yes, you have flunked a paper!!'.

'Is there... Is there a way to find out how??'.

'I will take your concern, just write it on this paper. Meet me in Two days, see ya!!'.

After 2 days...

'Hey, young one!. You are on time!!. I had a word with your teacher'.

'What did he say...?'.

'You were right... You had passed the exam... But, you haven't submitted the last assignment yet, so he marked you fail'.

'But... I... I did!'. Hadn't I??...

'I don't know.... Am sorry. Sorry young lady, that's all I have to say, Is there anything else?'.

'Yea, sorry... No, thank you!!'.

'Have a nice day!'.

'You too!!'. I walked out of the room into the campus road.

I snaily reached the road, to the university entrance and I began to recall that stormy night, I submitted the assignment. I had submitted it, had't I??. I had!. Yes, I had, I remember. Then, how it turned out to as I hadn't?, to my teacher. How come??. I recalled that night, reviving every minute and I got my answer in no time. I hadn't. Yes, I hadn't checked it twice, whether it was sent to my tutor, as the electricity got fluctuated due to the heavy storms, that hit our town that month. Damn!!, My bad!, my bad!. It was a fault on my side. How can I do that?. How can I ??. I failed me!. I failed my dream!. My mind became frenzied with lots of thoughts from different directions as I walked and It just stopped abruptly in the next moment. Neither could I feel my brain nor my thoughts. It was just blank and empty.

I walked along the streets, overlooking the bus station quite far. As I ambled, the passersby greeted me good day and I walked past them. I viewed the happening petrol bunk and observed the zipped cars ran past me, on the parallel roads. I loved the sunny spring day, loved being out, amongst the spectacularly hued, flower bearing trees and the colorful parrots chirping around them. Half past an hour, I walked on the road, overlooking the city and enjoyed the cars, coming to an halt, on the signals and the setting sun, sending beams of light on the car windows. I was present on the present moment, but I couldn't feel me. I couldn't. Yes, neither my hormones responded nor my signals. I was so unreactive. I couldn't ask myself on why was I, the way I was??. I wasn't able to share it with people, as I was conscious of my being, but I wasn't too. I never reached out to ask for help, as I was scared on whether will I articulate it right?.

Two months later

I knew of the nights and days that passed by. I wasn't that aware, of the dates and months or the time of the day. I had been on the bed, or, on some corner of the room doing nothing, unable to think, anything the whole day and night through. I hadn't slept, ate or tidied myself, well, quite often. I was faintly conscious of the present state of mind, but I wasn't too. I wasn't able to face my reality. But nothing seems to seep in deep. Literally nothing, could and nothing stayed. I felt numb. Numb to my core. My head started to throb out of pain, due to the continues voice and shouts from deep inside, to not to get up from the bed, to face the next day, but to get myself pinned to it. It was grisly, to face the voice inside me.

Three more months had passed by

I was bad, I was too bad. I was letting myself fail, and I gave in to the greusome voice every single time and I let the voice rule me, to get myself pinned to the bed, still. I couldn't help myself to get me out of this trap, despite my rigrous efforts. I had took a stroll amongst the nature in the evening sun, had taken manier late night strolls and got myself on trying a newer skill, getting past those torturesome voice. But no, I failed bad. So bad, I lost hope as I couldn't win over the inner voice. I never will, I believe.

Six months later

My dream never left me alone. It never did. It's whispering inside to come out. It gave me the respect by staying inside me always, now it's time, for me to respect it back. But, I am scared to face the outer world, so scared to face my friends, families and the people around. I couldn't. I can't be true to my soul and just be honest with them. I am forming excuses. Worse, I couldn't come up with a solid excuse each time, I face them. I am avoiding them, been hiding. I had been hiding for the longest time now. I couldn't bring myself to face them. I had been trying this whole month, to feel my skin. To get myself going. I never won those inner voice yet, but, I had learned well, to look past it to take it forward. Each time, I try to revive my soul to live my dream, I fail hard. Again, I would raise to my senses to reach a step towards my dream and I would fall flat. I couldn't grow past those weird stares from my neighborhood, from the constant insults my parents face, once the relatives question them. I just couldn't look past all those insults and pain I had undergone, each time, I try to revive my dream, because I failed to make it success the first time. I am failure... Am I??. I don't know...

Half past an year had went by

I felt tired and angst to revolve around this unending loop of getting up and falling down. I am done. I have to live my dream, as no one else could. No one else will. Neither could anyone understand it nor could anyone respect it, as I would, as it's mine and I had dreamt it. I had changed in a day. All it took me, was to acknowledge my fears, insults and pains and to give it time, for it to heal. A whole new person had arrived out of me, in this whole journey. One, that stayed doing nothing, but gained wholesome worldly knowledge, through the constant disparage, I received the whole time. My view on the outer world and the way I look at my life ahead, had totally changed to the perspectives I had before, when I went into this journey of finding the inner me. I have immense confidence and am aware of my self worth that this new person had brought in with. I had set out to live my dream again, I had failed once.

Writer's note:

I had undergone deep depression state. The one that stood out to me on it is, the voice is the person deep inside us, making his way out to make us feel rebuild, to live our dreams. The person we are left with facing the whole time was us inside. It was us and no one or nothing else.

By Meera