5 Years Old

By Hope Kostedt

At 5 years old I am scared of boys.

At 7 years old I think this one boy on my brother’s basketball team was cute.

At 8 years old I see my sister go through puberty and wonder when that will happen to me.

At 10 years old I have a crush on three different boys at the same time.

At 11 years old I go through puberty.

At 12 years old I like a boy. 

At 12 years old this boy liked me too.

At 13 years old my parents don’t let us be friends anymore.

At 14 years old my puberty didn’t make me look as good as my sister.

At 14 years old I really like a boy. 

At 14 years old he tells me he picked someone else because she has bigger boobs than me.

At 15 years old I still like that boy.

At 15 years old me and that boy kiss in the staircase at a hotel. It’s a makeout kiss. It’s my first kiss.

At 15 years old I believe him when he tells me him and his girlfriend have an open relationship. 

At 15 years old me and him do a lot more than kiss. 

At 16 years old I lose my virginity, without realizing it. 

At 16 years old I find out his girlfriend never knew about me.

At 16 years old I get called a whore and a slut for the first time.

At 17 years old I kiss other boys; I do things with other boys.

At 17 years old I’m told this is normal. 

At 17 years old a boy won’t date me because I act too much like a whore.

At 17 years old my youth pastor at church sends me messages about wanting to see me wet, missing me when he’s away and asks me to come down to his office alone.

At 17 years old I’m told by my father this is partially my fault because he thought I had a crush on him.

At 17 years old my church brushes it under the rug. 

At 18 years old I am sent home from church for dressing immodestly. 

At 18 years old I stop going to church.

At 18 years old I get in my first serious relationship.

At 19 years old he tells me I dress to get too much attention.

At 19 years old a few of his friends hit on me.

At 19 years old he tells me to not ruin the friend group.

At 19 years old I fall in love with him.

At 20 years old his friend sends me porn and tells me this could be us and that that I wouldn’t be able to walk for a week afterwards.

At 20 years old I am told to get over it.

At 20 years old I am approached about a threesome.

At 20 years old I am told all these things are my fault.

At 21 years old I am deemed to have the craziest sexual experiences by my friends.

At 21 years old he breaks up with me because he doesn’t like that I model and make too much about myself.

At 21 years old his best friend comforts me.

At 21 years old his best friend tells me he has always wanted to be with me. 

At 21 years old I sleep with his best friend even though he has a girlfriend.

At 22 years old I know this is wrong, but I justify it because I’m in love with him now and he will leave her for me.

At 22 years old I tell him, and he turns me down, going back to his girlfriend.

At 22 years old my ex-boyfriend finds out and yells at me and then tries to kiss me. 

At 22 years old I don’t see them anymore.

At 23 years old I date a few guys.

At 23 years old I stop dating.

At 23 years old a married friend of mine touches me too much when no one’s looking.

At 23 years old everyone tells me I’m being dramatic.

At 23 years old I stop hanging out with everyone.

At 24 years old I fall in love with someone.

At 24 years old I see a future with this person.

At 24 years old they don’t love me the way I love them.

At 24 years old I see how naïve and stupid I have always been.

At 24 years old I think all these things are all my fault.

At 24 years old I want to be 5 years old again.

I’m about to turn 25 years old.

By Hope Kostedt