The Power Of Boundaries

By Alison N.G, Fernandes

In the Hindi film Refugee, that released in the year 2000, there is a beautiful song which says, “Panchee, Nadiyan, Pawan ke Jhoke, koi sarhad na inhe roke… Sarhadein insaano ke liye hai…”(the birds, the rivers, the wind, breeze and air have no boundaries/ borders but we humans have to be confined within boundaries). But are boundaries always bad?

We, humans, are by nature, social animals. We seek connection and love. In our daily lives, we interact with many types of individuals, who have differences in age, gender, physical, mental and emotional well-being. All these factors affect our influence over each other. Among the people that we encounter day in and day out, most remain acquaintances, whilst a few may be called friends. These ‘friends’, compete for our attention. Herein, comes the task of sieving out those who appeal to one’s heart, mind and soul and those that may just not fit the bill.

    Relationships within the community, help build connections and enhance social relationships. Every relationship (familial or otherwise), fulfils some need- be it emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual, et al.  The depth of communication or interaction and connection in the relationship, (in the form of sharing, understanding and listening) helps to judge the level of intimacy in the relationship. As Brene Brown says “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

  Taking a cue from the above definition, we come to a realization that, one cannot build such a connection or relationship with anyone and everyone; this kind of connection is one in a million and it is unique. Not everyone that we meet in this lifetime, fits the bill. The flow of positive energy builds a connection between people in a relationship, exhibiting its uniqueness thus giving the relationship solidity and a spiritual bond. 

             Here’s where we can understand whom to prioritise and to what extent. The people who dare to tell you your truth without mincing words, yet being non- judgemental are the ones that you would consider giving importance to; they ignite your spark when you hit nadir and thunderously applaud you at your zenith. These would be the people one would consider holding on to like an antidote to all the ills of life… be it circumstances or people.

       In the ever- changing scenario of life friendships will always ebb and flow. Life will offer you new people, every now and then. Some of these will turn out to be great friends, you never imagined, you’d ever need. On the other hand, friendships that used to be rock solid, fade in the background due to lack of communication, or even miscommunication that led to misunderstanding. Your heart aches and you feel betrayed; but here’s where one can understand the power of boundaries.  Boundaries is where you can feel loved, respected and heard.

Boundaries always begin with respect and love for oneself, which only comes from within.  That can happen only when an individual has a healthy relationship with oneself. This is a very powerful tool. Awareness sets in and we are in control of our actions, thoughts and responses; thus, making it easier to keep an arm’s distance and stand one’s ground against those who are considered a threat to one’s psycho- emotional well-being. Consequently, one is able to discern the kind of relationship s/he could share with people who cross his/her path.

   Once we have understood and acknowledged the dynamics of the relationships, we gain courage and wisdom to build walls of love (self and other-centred) around people who do not fit the bill, leading to happiness and joy which become part of our world when the right people touch our lives. Knowing that our lives are shaped and created through the people who influence us, do we really need a negative influence in an already skewed world? Energies are real. Our inward study will help us to understand our energies and that of others, so that with right judgement, we could align ourselves with people exuding similar vibes, thus saving us the suffering of emotional trauma.

     Boundaries have the power to create freedom for oneself- freedom from people’s opinions, influences and energies. Boundaries help review status of the relationship; whether the said relationship should be pursued or status quo maintained. This being said, distance can either make the heart grow fonder or out of sight may be out of mind. We may never know what can play out in the matrix of relationships. 

    All I can say in conclusion is: - Psycho- Emotional Power, Freedom and Self- Love is the crux of boundaries.

By Alison N.G, Fernandes