My Heart Beams

By Sanaa Shaikh

My heart beams every time you’re around.

It dances to the tune of your lovely words, it gets lost in the depth of your enchanting eyes, and it beats a million times faster when it sees your life-giving smile.

It’s true. Your smile gives me life. It gives me a reason to live. I feel, and I see, and I breathe, all because of you.

My heart beams when you call me “love”. It jumps in joy when you cook me my favourite breakfast, and it cries rivers when you spend the night angry at me.

But somewhere, somehow, something changes.

Gone was the beautiful, glowing rose that bloomed under your love and care. In its place lies a thorn. sharp and hurtful, only capable of seeping into you till you’re bleeding red. I’m no longer the iridescent flower you groomed, but a thorn that thrives on your tears and lives for your screams.

My heart still beams when you’re around. It dances to the tune of your hateful words. It finds solace in every “I hate you”, and flourishes with every curse, every angry profanity muttered.

My heart swells when you say you wish you never met me. It smiles devilishly when every one of your teardrops fall. It rejoices every day that you scream your lungs out till you’re hoarse.

My heart enjoys breaking you till you’re nothing but a scattered mess of words, thoughts and tears. It enjoys putting you back together, leading you on with manufactured truths and sugar-coated words, and mercilessly breaking you all over again.

Because darling, I’m the villain — not the one that does bad things for good reasons, but the one that takes good people and rips them apart for all the bad reasons.

I’m the villain that brings down the strongest soldiers. I’m the devil, and the rebel. All I know is chaos, confusion and of course, you.

My heart thinks you’re it’s favourite soul to torture. Your screams of agony and pain bring peace to my ears like nothing else.

My heart finds a renewed purpose in destroying you ‘til you are no longer the human that I once loved, but a distorted shell of blood and bones, broken far beyond repair.

Baby, my heart still beams when you’re around. for all the evil reasons, this time.

My heart is addicted to shedding away the very last remnants of your resolve. It feels a feverish high every time I bring you to your knees.

You are mine to ruin, and ruining you is my pleasure. It is my poison; a poison that I gladly torture myself with. Pulling at you till the strings of life and light ebb from you is my aphrodisiac, and oh, how I revel in being the villain.

Because darling, I was always the villain.

Being the villain is my destiny; a destiny you thrust upon me… But you didn’t realise that you armed me with the very sword that shall be your downfall. You created the monster that will teach you fear.

And when the fear finally gets too much for you to bear, my heart will beam.

By Sanaa Shaikh