By Pragati Saraf
Whenever I looked in the mirror, I always thought of inspecting myself and my body, finding some flaw or trying to cover up the excess fat. I mean I just don't understand what happens that even after I am dolled up from head to toe in the finest clothes that I own and the best way possible I can get ready still I look for flaws. Why? Because in 25 years of my existence in this world I've always seen people looking at me and judging my outer appearance. I was a healthy baby but that never affected anyone because of course I was a cute chubby baby but as I started growing up, patriarchy stepped in. I had to be molded into a perfect bride material. Tall, thin and fair. Why if a girl is not career oriented it doesn't matter to the family? She already has a life set in front of her that she must get married, manage a house, have children and take care of them. Why does it always happen that a girl never has home to be called as hers. First, it's her father's house, after marriage it's her husband's and then as her son's. I always used to love food, but I was never a bigtime foodie. Whenever I used to eat in front of my relatives they gave me “friendly" advice to stop eating and diet control and hinted that it's difficult to get a fat girl married. And all I wanted to ask was 'should I survive on air?' Advice turned into comments and then into criticism. I heard phrases like 'oh my god! you're so beautiful but why don't you take care of your body. you know if you get thin you can even become a model', 'you look more mature than your age. If you reduce, you will look beautiful'. Why do I always get judged because of my body and not for my qualities. And this pressure from the society is the reason why I was never confident in my own body growing up. I can surely say for myself that I am a very compassionate person and I love helping people. I love taking care of my loved ones. And
people do associate me as kindhearted, helpful, charming with a beautiful smile, obedient and non-judgmental. Sometimes they think that I'm a miser and sometimes they think I'm a hypocrite. Also, I have people call me a pushover because I'm always ready to help. My friends say that I'm a complete sweetheart and a daydreamer. The world can't accept me as independent, carefree and passionate person. I want the world to know my passionate side. I want the world to see me as an independent, career-oriented woman. I want to showcase my talents to the world. I want to be known for my talents and capabilities and not because of my father's, brother's or husband's name. I want them to see me as an adult and give me the option to make my own choices and decisions. I don't want to get overshadowed because of my gender. I want to be known for maintaining my relationships with the people around me. I wish people to have more faith in me and trust me. I want to live my life without any regrets. As Bunny would say it 'Main udna chata hoon, daudna chahta hooon, girna bhi chahta hoon ... bas rukna nai chata.' I want people to accept me as I am. I want a house to call home - my own home. I want to take all the decisions regarding that home. I don't want to wait for someone else to take those decisions or stop me from taking those decisions. I would love to wear whatever I want whenever I want without thinking of what the world with think of me. I want to make my own decisions without conditions being put upon them. I want to breathe freely. I have always been obedient, and I have tried to put up with their expectations my whole life but sometimes I just feel their expectations can never be fulfilled by me. I want to make my parents as well as myself proud but with my own decisions.
By Pragati Saraf