By Tejashri Mohan Bhore
Index
CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER ONE
12th Jun, Today college allotment list was going to be publish. I was staring at the wall clock, checking time incessantly.Shows 9.00 PM. It’s tick-tick sound was making me more anxious. Crossing my fingers, I was refreshing the website with my shivering hand. But due to massive traffic…I was unable to view the selection list. Breaking silence my Papa said… “Give that computer a little break.. It will show up after a while”. “Ky mahit kiti diwa lavla ahe!” said my Mom glowering at me.
You know the love between the academics and Indian parents is already renowned…Right! Indian parents are obsessed with good grades. Parents believe that their child is bright only if he/she is good in academics. They are
superfluously concerned with appearing respectable in society over their child’s happiness.
I was scared as hell. Because, if I didn’t get college this time. I had to study same things one more year with of course different approach. And I don’t want to experience the same trauma. Ask about the struggle we aspirants go through. These all entrance exams are like Black hole. You just revolve around it. It’s like matrix, you have to escape it anyhow.
Finally..the wait was over. The notification pop up. Exactly at 9.15 PM, I got the college allotment letter. I read it aloud, “We are glad to hear you that Miss. Aashna Arun Salvehas been allot with the college named SVRP Medical College,
Nagpur. Please do come for admission due before 16 of
th
June 2024 with related verified documents.
Thank you!”
Hearing this Mumma and Papa were so happy. They literally had wide smile. I didn’t like the college much. But yeah seeing their happy faces I was happy. They mean to me everything. They have supported me a lot. In fact sometimes I think they deserve a better daughter. But I’m trying to be better for them only. Mom fed me 'pedha’a sweet made up of milk. She made my favourite dinner Gulab Jamun, Chole, Bhature with Veg Pulao. Everyone was happy. We ate dinner all together. On dining everyone were chitchating about my college and the admission process. Mom was forcing me to take more sabji and I was denying. Papa interrupted us in between, he said, “Tomorrow have a research on everything about the college and admission details, and get information about hostel and mess also. Now these phase of admission is so important, you can’t miss anything….If you miss any single document na, you’ll miss almost a year.” I nodded. After dinner I
helped Mumma in kitchen for a while. Then wish everyone Good Night and went to my room. There I was alone..I don’t have to pretend anything here. Because, I was dead inside. I am living just for my sweet family.
Deep inside I just wanted to share with him that I got a college. But I can’t. This made me sad. With heavy heart I opened my diary and began to write. Whenever I feel sad.. I just bleed on the paper. Personally, feels like Therapy.
12/06/2024
11.30 PM
Sometimes...I feel like hugging Cactus
I know I’ll bleed.. but atleast, it won’t leave me. Sometimes… I feel like hiding somewhere
I know I’ll be alone… but atleast, eyes won’t be on me.
Sometimes… I feel like ending everything I know I’ll be in pain… but atleast, I won’t be in hope of being understood!
CHAPTER TWO
It was 15th of June, next morning we were about to leave for my admission process. I got only three days to gather every single document that needed. Also in this haste I made a blunder, my one document got missing. I could have miss my seat in the college just because of this document. Papa scolded me badly.
He yelled, “That’s why I always keep saying right…keep your documents properly... Careless fellows. You both Mother and daughter just tries to prove me wrong.”
Mumma interrupted him saying,
“Now scolding won’t
help out things to be better… Move your hands, help us!” Mumma said looking at me, “Ignore him for a while, Just think where did you left it? “
Everyone in the house was in search of document here and there. She search everything, on the tables, under the sofas and beds, I was searching in my bedroom. Mumma called out me, “Is this the same document?” “Yes…Yes..This is it!” I exclaimed
Mother are saviour for real.
Papa sighed, “Now keep everything properly, organize every single document in order, take extra passports and I don’t want to hear any blunder again… got it?” I nodded….Yeah!
After this..I went to bed early. Because I have to wake up early and have to visit the college on due time. Next morning, we left for a college. Wait.. Wait… before heading anywhere little bit of quarrels and arguments are necessary... Right.
After four hours of travelling., we reached there. I submitted the documents, filled every detail they asked and then explored the college building. College was good..I mean I was expecting much better than this. But yeah..its okay, not every expectation can be fulfilled. I’ve started less expecting and more accepting. Life will be more simple.
New journey starts from here, I guess so. Hoping to be better. I had so much dreams about college life before. But now I don’t feel any kind of enthusiasm. Everything was going good now, but deep inside I wasn’t happy. I feel something like a void inside. A gentle breeze of air touched my cheeks and I peeped into the past. The days when I met 'him'.
Papa said, “You like this place na… you’ve to live here for almost 5 years. From here onwards you are going to be a resposible doctor!”
His motivation always makes me feel good.
Mumma said dramatically, “In my opinion you should stay here from today onwards only!”
We all chucked!
Papa said, “Well.. well… We should leave now.” At 8.00 PM, we reached home. The day was so hectic.We all were tired. So we ordered food from outside. We had dinner and then everyone went to sleep. I came to my room, opened my diary and began to write my thoughts.
16/06/2024
10.25 PM
I miss the before me,
I can’t say I was happier....
But I wasn’t the saddest one though
Right now, I’m the confused one.
Something’s are better, while some are worst Everything is the game of Trust.
I don’t know when I’m gonna learn balancing.. Questions are never gonna stop.
Living for my close ones.
Living for the better life!
CHAPTER THREE
It’s been four months, that I enter into this college. Got new friends in the hostel. I was asleep in my hostel room. Sound of claps and Birthday song wakes me up. I opened my eyes..and what I see. Three girls were standing besides me. I glance at clock…It was 12.00 Am. Beautiful small luminating, fairy lights attracted my vision towards them. Room was looking so beautiful with décor, giving aesthetic vibes. I remembered today is my Birthday! Tisha, was my roommate, sweet and straight forward girl. She has pretty curly hairs with cute face. She was in middle holding a beautiful white forest cake with candle in shape of numbers denoting ‘21’. Gunjan and Dia, both living in same room beside ours. Both were around Tisha.. They
were clapping and singing,
“Happy Birthday to you… .
Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday Aashna… Happy Birthday to you!”
I said, “Thank you my girls!”
The trio hugged me and wish me Happy Birthday again. I said, “ Thank you very much yrr… I’m so lucky that I got you guys. The only good thing about this year are you all. Thank you for making my day special. I’m so greatful.” Dia uttered, “Hmm… hmm… stop, stop.. If you’re willing to give speech. Tomorrow we will arrange one in auditorium hall!
We all laughed;
Tisha said,
“Let’s cut it..Before that icing on cake would
melt... That aroma is attracting me towards it.. I just can’t control now.
Gunjan light up the candle and told me to close my eyes and make a wish before blowing it out. I closed my eyes
and mumbled in my head, “Celebrating my birthday today! Sending a special shout out to myself for all that I’ve accomplished this year, my inner battles that I didn’t tell about anyone and wishing myself a happy birthday full of magic, joy, and love”
Then I cut the cake, they gave me gift and then we did little fun, by dancing and playing games. All went to sleep by 2.00 PM.
As usual, I opened my diary and starts writing..
17/10/2024
2.00 PM
मैंआज्कुछ कहना चाहती हु, पर्मेरी शततहैंककिं सुननेवालेकान तुम्हारेहो ।
याद्करती हुतुम्हेंकदन्रात…्हर्पल्यही सोचते हुए गुजर जाता हैंककिं कही तम
ु्इतनेदुर्ना चले
जाओ की मेरा कदन्किना तुम्हारी याद्कटे…. घमूना चाहती हुइन्हवाओ मेंअपना सि्कुछ छोड़ कर्…साथ चाहती हुककिं साथ िस्तुम्हारा हो । अच्छा लगता हैंमुझेजि्ककसी िात पर्सेतुम्याद् आतेहो… काश तुम्साथ भी होते।
दुकनया केहती हैंककिं प्यार एक्छलावा ह,ैंपर्मेरेकलए तुम्हारी याद्मेंडूि जाना ही प्यार हैं।
मन्करता हैंकिं धेपर्सर्रख केंसुकून ककिं एक् झपकक लु… लेककन सुकून तों ति्कमलेगा जि्किं धे तुम्हारेहो ।
CHAPTER FOUR
Hello there..This side Aashna, I’m 21 years old Maharashtrian girl living in ‘Black Gold City'…Chandrapur. City of black coal and mining. Like my name I am too devoted to love. But at the same time I like things platonic.Everyone thinks I’m boring. Little do they know what does platonic means or maybe just they don’t wanna know, things like this do exist. Sounds contradict.. Right? Sometimes I feel I don’t fit in my own generation. This so called Gen-Z’s doesn’t know what is real love.
What is love?.... Maybe thinking about you even after having no contact for months.. I don’t know! Even I don’t know it’s you or just my loneliness. Feels like I’m missing you. I’m unaware of my thoughts.. my emotions as usual. Our memories are flowing down through my eyes being tears. Sometimes I wonder who was on the fault.. Me or him? Or just situation made us wrong?
So…It was month of March, last preparatory phase of exam... I wasn’t doing good. I was broken already. I had limited friends and they were busy in their own life. So, I was feeling lonely. Just few days before I had taken some online counseling regarding mental health problems.. since it was free. I felt better but for few days only. I tried to avoid my
loneliness but failed. I was going through alot then. I found it hard to cope up with loneliness. One evening I was walking in the garden to freshen up my mood. One guy with his pet dog enter into the garden. I already have fear of dogs. Out of blue the dog came near me and jumped over me. Scared me, I fell on the ground. The owner of the pet dog came running over held his chain and said me 'Sorry'. I said, “You guys if you can’t handle your pets then why do you take them to public places” An unknown hand came in front of me, a tall, fair handsome guy in black hoodie giving me his hand. He said, “Get up, miss.” I got up helding his hand. I was unable to walk properly. I sat on one of the nearest bench seeking his support. He gave me water to drink.
He asked me, “Are you okay?”
I said, “Yeah... But my left leg is hurting.” He said, “Let’s go... I’ll take you to the hospital.” I utter, “No... No.. It’s okay.. I’ll manage. Thank you for your concern. By the way, what is your name?” He replied, “I’m Aarush Mahajan, works in IT company as Data Scientist. What about you? I said, “Nice to meet you Aarush... I’m Aashna Salve, aspiring doctor.
I told him about my exam. After a short talk.. I felt him genuine, he is okay for the talk... not like other creepy guys. He told me he has guided many students. I found him good. I shared my frustration about category reservation things and all. Then after some Chitchating he asked for my number, we
exchange our numbers. We talked like this for few days.
Untill this everything was good. I was feeling good, and then suddenly...
One day...I got his message, “Are you free today evening?” “Yeah” I replied. He said, “Meet me at 5 in the evening at 'Cafe Nine'.
Actually I was very happy reading his message. From last few days a lot of things has been changed. He made me so comfortable. Everything was going great. He was like my best friend now. But in my mind I started liking him. I never shared about this because I don’t wanted to ruin our friendship. So I thought it as a date. I dres up good occasionally, and as today was special, I wored beautiful off white one
piece with baby pink shade on it with minimal makeup. I must say I was looking pretty. I reached there half hour late, because I had three hour mock test before this. He was there sitting alone waiting for me, from last thirty minutes. He was looking so handsome in formal white shirt. I went near him.
“Hello... Miss! Actually my heart stopped when you walked in. Oh damn..Look at you looking so gorgeous!” “Thank you Aarush”, I said while blushing. He told me to have a sit.
He countined.. “Your hands looks heavy, can I hold it for you?” I nodded in the agreement.
At this moment I was literally on cloud nine. Imagine your crush invites you on a date all by
himself and also flirting with you… What a great feeling!
He was holding my hands and continues saying, “I enjoy being alone with myself, actually it's the best company there is. But it's still nice to talk to someone, once in a while....Aashna, I think I’m falling for you, I think I’m in love with you!”
I told him, “Wait..wait..slow down... love can’t happen this much quick..I mean it’s okay to like someone, in fact I like you, but I think love can’t happen this much easily.”
He continued, “Also you know the feeling of having someone, sharing our thoughts is the greatest of all.”
I have schizoid personality from start... Thus, I can’t express things like others. So I felt people may fall
in love like this. After meeting him, I never felt lonely. He filled that void. I said him ‘Yes’.
CHAPTER FIVE
I was very happy. Finally I’ve someone to talk. And that’s all I want. I don’t like Intimacy...as I’ve fear of it. But then after just two days, I got a call from him...he told me he can’t continue this. I was devasted. My happiness went off once again. I asked him.. If there is something misunderstanding. He said, “No....I should have told you already!”
I was disappointed..but still I tried to understand him.
He said, “Two years back I was working in one of the online educational platform. I just started working their..so in initial phase I had to sell online class package to students. One of my student’s sister used to text me for queries related classes. We
started talking frequently. I fall in love with her..beforeI proposed her, I didn’t even saw her. We met after she said ‘Yes'...and she was drop dead Gorgeous.”
This moment I was broke into the pieces...I was crying silently on the other side of call. I don’t know why..I was feeling this. I thought I just liked him. But...No!
He asked me... “Are you listening?”
“Yeah.. You carry on, I’m listening you” I replied. He continued... “We were in relationship for two years, then suddenly she told me she wants to marry as soon as possible. Just because someone in her college was bullying her. But I said her to think about this all over again. There is nothing to hurry. We’re too young. She was just 20 and I was 24. But
she said it’s final and she’s ready for the marriage. My mother knew about us, so my side of the family accepted us. But her family doesn’t. She said they won’t understand us.. So we will do court marriage only. After a month, we filed for court marriage. Day before the marriage, I again asked her that...Is she really ready for the marriage without her parents. She was firm on her decision. The day arrived.. It was 6 Jun 2022, Finally we got married. Everything was fine. As soon as she left office...she called her parents and told them about the marriage. They took her with them straight from the office... She didn’t even entered my house. I married a girl I loved. But circumstances took us apart. From that day I never saw her. Now...they are going to file a divorce.”
He was so emotional that he cried in front of me. He was in real pain that time. So I just forgot about my emotions. I consoled him. I was on call with him all day... He was talking about himself only.
After ending call, I was with my thoughts alone. I don’t know whom to blame.. Who’s fault is this.. Mine? His? Or his ex girlfriend’s.. Oh sorry wife’s? I was talking to married guy whole time. Why didn’t he tell me before? I’ve so much questions in my head right now. But seeing his condition I can’t question him. He told me that his mother is single parent since his father’s death when he was 5 years old. Also his mother have some disease... He didn’t tell me the name of disease but doctor told them that she will hardly live for one year. Divorce file and his mother’s health made him so depressed that he is
unable to focus on his job. He is facing difficulties in his work. After knowing everything how could I question him… I can’t!
I just realized I’m the third person here. It’s better to make distance from him, rather I should focus on my exam.
Thus, I started avoiding him. I was just replying him if he ever contact me.I made a decision that I am better alone.
One day, I heard knock on my door. As soon I opened it, I saw him. I was surprise to see him. He asked me confusingly, “Why were you ignoring me all these days?”
I said, “I didn’t ignore you, I just don’t wanted to disturb you. Also you ended thing between us, not me. After knowing everything why would I continue
relation with a married guy? Knowing that you love someone else, why would I talk to you? You guys are so pathetic, instead of saying me sorry, you’re questiong me!”
I could see disappointment on his face. He left without saying anything.
CHAPTER SIX
Things should have end here. But my overthinking skills doesn’t let me live peacefully. My exam has been over by then. Thus, I was at home. I was feeling guilty, that I talked so rudely with him. I wanted to say him sorry. So I messaged him “Sorry….I should not have talk to you rudely. That time I was not in my mind. How are you…Are you alright?”
He replied after few minutes, “Keep your sorry to yourself… Don’t message me again. No need to care about me. I’m leaving!”
I said, “What happened and where are you going?” He replied… “Leaving this world, leaving everyone behind. I’m fed up of everything. I just can’t face anything now.”
I said… “Please.. Please don’t do this. I love you. Think about me… atleast think about your mother.” He replied, “No.. Please don’t distract me. I’m just waiting for my mom to leave room… as soon as she left this place… I’ll be free.. Bye!
Reding his message… my eyes were wide open. I didn’t get what to do. I guess I was too young to handle this situation.. I don’t know. His words got stuck in my mind. I tried to console hum. I google that how to handle this kind of situation… even I I tried to call suicide help line number. But they didn’t receive. I called him more than 50 times. But he too didn’t receive. I did everything I can do.
I cried. I cried so hard. I can’t do anything. I felt helpless that day. How could he do this? I messaged him again.. But this time I got no reply.
I was literally on the ground, struggling to breathe, it was strong feeling of dread, I was feeling that I’m just about to die, feeling of losing control over myself and fear of getting mad, felt dizzy and chills particularly in the arms and hands.
Next day, when I opened my eyes. I was lying on the bed. I saw my mom sitting near me.
I asked her, “What happened and how am I here?” She said, “Yesterday night, when me and your father both returned from the market, we saw you were lying on the ground and blood were oozing out from your forehead, as you might have hit your head on the glass table.Doctor said that you had panic attack.”
She continued.. “What happened Aashna..Is everything alright?”
“Yeah mom.. Everything is fine”, I said. I checked my phone and it was still no reply. I ran towards that day’s newspaper..checked every page. My eyes stucked on one of the news headlinesaying, “25 YEAR OLD MAN HANG HIMSELF TO DEATH” Tears were rolling down my eyes. I controlled my tears, as my mom was in the same room. Until she left, I didn’t utter a word. I was in the distress. I cried so hard. I was blaming myself. I was so helpless. Knowing everything, I couldn’tdo anything. His words remained stuck in my head. Maybe I couldn’t forgive myself forever.
CHAPTER SEVEN
PRESENT DAY
I couldn’t express my love with him. I still regret that I never expresses enough. Recalling that day, still I get chills. I started writing poetry with his memories. I wish he would be with me. I wish he could be alive. Rest in Peace Aarush. The moment I heard love story, I started looking for you.
“When you cry for ending
Remember how beautiful were the beginning! “
Poetry in his memory…
Feeling numb, broke, like everything has been shattered.. Heart is burning due to life being battered.
Hopes and dreams are resting inside coffin, while darkness is at it’s peak and evils rising very often. Tenderness in loyals haven’t remain alive, coz they’re blamed and it’s hard to survive. The worst part is liers will win this race probably and sinners are sining differently!
How could you be so fine leaving me bleeding behind..
I’m here with frozen ice thinking about you! I’m here in crowd of thousand people still thinking about you… Hey my love.. My home
I want you to shine.. doesn’t matter you’re not mine; Maybe another Time!
By Tejashri Mohan Bhore
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