Spirituality

By Susmita Hazra

Before I even knew this term, I suffered. There was no end to my suffering years back. My soul had outgrown a layer of darkness from a heart break of being in a relationship, nothing matched my frequency, nothing made me happy, never fit in with the same generation of humans. I wouldn’t let myself feel any pain and only seek guidance from nature, only let mother Earth control my emotions. Even though I felt disconnected with myself I had my empathic nature switched on all the time.

It took me a while to find balance from both my mind and heart. A lot of purging had to take place in order for my healing process to start. Back then I just trusted my inner instinct, didn’t have a bigger picture in mind but I knew I had nothing to lose anymore. Beginning of my journey I had gone numb, cared for nothing negative in my life, stopped pleasing people, lost my ego, pride. I had forgone a change I didn’t know existed. It was all about believing in myself and letting my sufferings go. I didn’t know the steps of healing, never asked for help from professionals, never put my thought into taking therapy sessions, instead I looked within for answers.

What if in schools we were all taught how to cleanse our aura, meditate, practice yoga, master breathe work, embrace our shadows of insecurities, rather than sitting and listening to teachers who didn’t want to even spend their time with a bunch of kids but the material world teaches you to be financially stable just this way, right?

The seeking took its time, not all beautiful techniques started flowing through my mind at once. The process of healing came to me gradually, steps after steps, years after years and now my soul is only filled with gratitude and love for the world.

When I mastered self-love, healed my wounds, divine higher power decided to show me her color in disguise of my twin flame. It was this one morning when I was up at the terrace of my parents’ house my soul grew a new healed heart. I had come face to face with the human body of my lover’s soul resided in. It was this one glance and my higher self-recognized his, it felt as if I was finally home. My human mind wasn’t aware just then, it took self-work for my human mind to process what was going on after. Later when I realized, my life flipped, all my past wounds were forgotten, my body was going through a chemical change, my trance state was awakened, my heart chakra had opened up, I had butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him or thought of him, everything started making sense from then. Universe made it a point to show me signs through pouring rain, lightening occurring when we saw each other those couple of days, always getting to see couple of birds together in my view, world had become a beautiful place to live in. I thought I found my purpose and I couldn’t take my mind off this one soul, universe made a way for us to see each other everyday as all my practices takes place up on the terrace. Living away from my hometown, I don’t know anyone here or who he is. I just know he is an old soul like mine, a spiritual yogi, telepathy works for us, we were aligned and my soul wants his. Even the term twin flame flowed in my head after long our meeting. In the attachment stage I actually thought we were soulmates and couldn’t stay separated but when divine higher power was done showing us the necessities of each other and the profound love we had for one another the difficulty stage arose. Neighbors around our houses started noticing our patterns, almost everyone could see the intense connection we feel for each other and humans have the tendency to never mind their own businesses. That’s when I decided to run away from our meeting point, stopped working out at my routine time and ghosted him for a while only to realize it was my loss and I was suffering again without his presence. The pain of separation seemed unbearable at that point. All I thought of was when I could see him again. There was this ache my body felt, I was calling for depression again after practicing healing for several months. That’s also when I realized depression is a state of mind and only you have control of manipulating it into existing. I couldn’t eat, sleep for days when our separation stage was on. When I finally decided to see him again, he was ghosting me. I couldn’t believe universe was working for us this brutally, showing trueness of our souls.

Days passed by, nothing was ever in my favor. There was no initial effort made by divine masculine. I was so eager to communicate with him physically, curious to know what was going on in his heart all while, so much to say yet no way of connecting to each other in this 3rd dimensional existence. So, I decided on sending him a letter by my care takers hand who happens to live on that side of the town. Only later to find out that my Twin flame was getting married to a girl next month. My soul had gone through a shock for several days. I stopped chasing him after.

I couldn’t believe the affect I had after finding him, only to lose faith in divine power for sometime. I told myself a lot of negative thoughts in order to let go of the feelings I built up for him within few days. Made a story in my head that when one of the Twin marries someone else, whatever goodness he/she is going through is going to affect the other twin too. It feels like I was actually loving his fiancé through love songs. It felt whatever his soul was going through, I was going through the same emotions. Universe was only showing me that my other half is getting married to someone else in this life. He didn’t respect his feminine twin and how would he know I even existed? It was too late for me to be his until I decided to change but only for Universe to show me that he had let go and we had come in reunion very before just that I got to see him only after I was awakened myself. When together we were aware of each other’s existence, the connection started feeling intense and we felt at home. But now that he is going to building a family with someone else, I have equal affect as both our souls are same. But I’m one with nature, I’m new, I’m forgotten, I’m united.

Now that the whole story of my life unfolds in front of my eyes, I see this have only enhanced the way I feel about myself and Universe within and without. Re-uniting with your twin flame doesn’t mean life got only one love. A twin is part of you, perhaps not a romantic partner but a guardian on the equal realm of life. We both can be there for each other through our thoughts. We have to find the balance and harmony in our own body and mind to spiritually grow together.

It was never about finding my twin flame but a journey towards the light workers. I am chosen by the spirituality superiors to bring goodness to this world. All my sufferings are forgotten and the new me can go out and conquer the world by being whole. By finding real meaning with life.

I have to understand this romanticizing with your twin flame is not the answer but finding your whole self was. May be a pair of Twin are like siblings who shows each other the complete world, therefore the intense connection between them of reading each other’s soul and finding out what the other person lacks in order for ourselves to grow in our separate bodies of masculine and feminine energy.

If this is the process of finding yourself, I hope in my next life I am no where near the subject of being spiritual. Finding yourself is about finding your Twin Flame and when he/she doesn’t get to be yours in the 3rd dimension, then what’s the use of even looking for yourself? Not everyone gets to meet their Twin Flame in physical world, seekers are the one who goes through this process of rebirth, to feel whole and now no one can take that from me.

As days passes by, I feel happy, a sense of bliss within myself, I do miss seeing him sometimes but I got to let go of that thought of being with him as he is soon to be someone else’s. Our union was all about accepting each other’s presence by living our separate lives. At least I know I have a well wisher somewhere. He wasn’t meant for me in this life but it’s not about being together with your Twin flame but about feeling yourself as whole. I’m filled with gratitude towards life and I get to start my journey as a healed healer. By Gods grace I’m hoping one day everything aligns itself and I get to spend my life with him regardless of any earthly norms. This journey only teaches me every day about trueness of life and I still have so much to see through, work on and find out. Falling in love with myself everyday is a profound feeling I never want to let go of. My love for him is unconditional and no other souls can replace what I feel for him eternally. If divine power decided to show me what life got in store for me, I trust my instinct that higher source is working towards our union. All barriers will be cut off, all childhood traumas will be set free, when both the souls are aligned at the same frequency, union will occur for us to serve the world together.

By Susmita Hazra